by Alvin Ramirez April 17, 2018
On this episode of Book Journeys, Pleasance Silicki interviews Amari Ice, author of Lasting Love at Last: The Gay Guide to Relationships.
As with most people, Amari had thought of writing a book throughout his life, but it was only in December, 2016 when he actually decided to write one. His initial concept was to have a different topic for each chapter, but he then realized that that he would take a long time to write that book. Amari then thought about what his clients most often came to him for help for, and as relationships was the main topic he decided to write a book on such. He noted down that he wanted to get the book done by April of the following year, and the day after that he saw an ad for the Author Incubator. Amari joined by February, and by that June his book was published.
Amari noted that prioritizing the time to write the book was important to his completing it, as, at the start of the writing process, he had a job with the medical industry which required him to spend ten-hour days and weekends at work, as well as had some family issues that came up. He also needed to adjust his writing style, as he was, as a student most of his life, used to editing his papers as he wrote them. The process, for its part, called for him to write everything out before editing, and to enable him to do this, Amari dictated the chapters, in bits, into his iPhone. Amari then commented that he wasnโt aware, initially, that editing would take as long as writing, and he was thankful for the support provided him by the editing team, remarking that working with someone, one-on-one, to get through the challenges is one of the best ways to work.
As part of the process, Amari wrote as part of a cohort of writers who were likewise working on their own books, and he admits that participating with a group of other people might have been intimidating at the start, particularly when asking questions whose answers might be deemed obvious. Being part of a cohort, however, enabled him to learn from the questions and experience of the others, as he pointed out that his own questions were limited by his experiences to date, and that the questions others asked gave him insights he hadnโt previously considered.
Amari noted that he went โall inโ where the writing process was concerned, as that is the way he rolls. Because of this, he was inspired to look at other parts of his life where he wasnโt โall inโ and where he wanted to achieve some personal goals, and this caused him to โuplevelโ himself during the writing process. Doing so also led him to leave his job and work full-time as a relationship coach, to better serve those whom he could help out, and the change was a good one for him, remarking that he made, from his coaching business, as much money in a few months as he made in a year in his previous job.
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Interview Transcript Below: Amari Ice – Book Journeys Author Interview – April 12, 2018
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Book Journeys Author Interview – April 12, 2018
Pleasance Silicki with Amari Ice, author of Lasting Love at Last: The Gay Guide to Relationships.
โf you want it to happen, if you really wanna do it, the time will appear. Youโll find the time.โ-Amari Ice
Pleasance:
Hello, everybody! Itโs Pleasance here, with our weekly interview. Amari, are you there? Can you hear me?
Amari:
I am here! Yes, indeed!
Pleasance:
Yay! Iโm โฆ giving you the biggest hug right now, with my mind.
Amari:
Aw, likewise! Can you feel it?
Pleasance:
I saw you were coming on this week, and I was so excited. So, for all of our listeners, this is Pleasance, author of Delight: Eight Principles for Living with Joy and Ease, which is turning two this month, I canโt believe it. And –
Amari:
Oh, happy birthday!
Pleasance
Yay! Happy book birthday. And, every week, we dive into these awesome, juicy conversations about the author process, writing our book, getting out book in the world and working with the magical, mysterious and wonderful and Dr. Angela Lauria, which I love saying, so fun. And I feel really lucky, because I got to meet Amari in person! Was that the fall? Or this winter?
Amari:
Yeah, I think so. Not too long ago.
Pleasance:
You wouldnโt remember when it was. So, it was – yeah, not too long ago. And so, I got to hear a little from you about your book and your business, and Iโm super excited about โฆ going back a little bit more and really framing it in terms of what is most helpful for people who are thinking about joining the program and who wanna become authors. So, welcome!
Amari:
Thanks for having me! A pleasure to be here.
Pleasance:
Good! Okay. So, letโs go back – your book came out – when does your book come out? In –
Amari:
It was published in June. June 28th.
Pleasance:
Okay. So, at what point – take me back. So, was it last winter, a year ago or so, when you started thinking about writing a book, did you always want to write a book? Gimme a little bit of your โฆ history into how you got to the Author Incubator.
Amari:
Gosh. Itโs a really cool story. So, โฆ like most people, I definitely thought about writing a book when I was a kid, or โฆ people would – suggested that I write a book at multiple points in my life, but in December of 2016 – it was actually December the first. I decided that I was finally going to write a book. And initially, I thought it was gonna be a book that had multiple chapters on multiple different subjects, so โฆ one chapter on money, one chapter on business, one chapter on relationships, one on family, just like a kaleidoscope situation. And knowing myself, I realized that it was gonna take way too long to write that book, because it was too many frames of mind. And so, I asked myself, โWhat do clients come to me about the most? What have you been coaching and working with clients?โ And relationships was, hands down, the most asked about question that any of my clients ask. And so, I was, โOkay, Iโm gonna write a book about relationships.โ And, literally, I wrote a plan on the back of โฆ a postcard right then, that said, โI wanted to finish my book April 1st,โ which was just โฆ five months from when I made the decision, and the very next day, I saw an ad on Facebook for the Author Incubator. I was โฆ, โOh! This is interesting.โ So, I watched a case study and different workshops and webinars that she did, and thatโs what led to my decision. I saw the results that she was getting with her clients, and I was โฆ, โYeah, Iโm totally all in for this.โ And so, in February of last year, I actually find that โฆ started the process.
Pleasance:
Okay. And so, was it quite – โฆ mindset wise, was it pretty easy for you to transition to working with her and saying โYesโ to the program and โฆ going all in? Did you find any resistance there?
Amari:
No. I had no resistance, because I was really clear that I wanted to do this before I even joined the program. I was clear on who my ideal reader was, which was what โฆ in, โฆ working with โฆ clients are โฆ – the previous decade, doing LGBT empowerment, so I was โฆ clear on that, on what I was gonna write about, on the problem that my ideal reader had, that I was gonna help them solve with this book, and so, โฆ need making the decision to join this program. It was really in alignment with what I already wanted to do. And so, for me, it felt more like a sign from the Universe, โฆ โYou wanted to do this, you wanted to do it relatively quickly, hereโs a way for you to do that.โ And Iโm the type of person – if I am clear on what I want, and I see a way to get there, Iโm not gonna shut the door on the opportunity, โฆ it was just โฆ, so, rather than stand in the way of my own dream, I decided to be all in. So, it wasnโt too much of a transition.
Pleasance:
Yeah, I think she does – I mean, I know some – a lot of it is intentional around, obviously, โฆ her ideal client and customer are – and authors are people like us, who say โYesโ and try new things and get out of the way and have that servantโs heart, โฆ and then, I – in my experience, some resistance came up along the way later, as we got closer to โฆ.
Amari:
Oh, yeah.
Pleasance:
But not in that initial, โJust say โYesโโ and going for it.
Amari:
Ditto. I didnโt have any at first, but during the process, I definitely did, because โฆ you have to become the person who wrote the book, and that takes showing up and claiming who you are and claiming your ability to truly start the people you are meant to help in this world. And so, there was a lot of upleveling that I had to do, in really becoming that person. And so, yeah, that was where โฆ the resistance came in, for me.
Pleasance:
Tell me a little about some of the upleveling you did. Was it mental? Was it physical? Do you have any – do you remember anything specific โฆ?
Amari:
Yes. So – it was a combination. So, physical in that – and I donโt know if this was โฆ the direct – โฆ Iโm writing a book for now, I have to work out, โฆ Iโd already had those goals, but I was โฆ, โOkay, Iโm all in on writing this book, which is one of my goals. Why am I not going to be all in on my fitness goals, too? Why would I not be all in on all the things that I wanna do?โ Because โฆ for me, itโs important to be in integrity and to be congruent, and Iโm not the type of person who likes to compartmentalize things, so โฆ really called me to look at my life and say, โWhat is not working, and where am I not showing up in other areas of my life?โ And so, really getting honest with myself in – in saying, โOkay, if I really wanna make this different for people, I know Iโm gonna have to quit my job.โ I know Iโm gonna have to be all in on this, and really โฆ serve them in this way, so one of the things – the biggest thing that I had to do was to leave my job in order to be all in on building โฆ this heart-centered business that was really serving black gay men and helping them find the love that they wanted in their lives. So, that was the hugest thing for me.
Pleasance:
How did you do that? โฆ what – is there anything that you can think of, that โฆ you – when you were making that transition, that you identified that, โฆ, โOkay, in order to uplevel and really go all into these clients, Iโm going to need to leave my day job.โ Is that correct?
Amari:
Yeah.
Pleasance:
Yeah. Was it – and then, what did that process look like? โฆ did you journal, did you talk to friends, did you just make a plan with Angela, ….?
Amari:
All of the above.
Pleasance:
Yeah. Yes.
Amari:
So, I talked to friends, I h – โฆ oh, my gosh, everything, โฆ literally, the journaling, coming up with the plan, โฆ – โcause Iโm not the type of person who – I donโt just do things โฆ without thinking about them, Iโm very โฆ oriena – and I can be very – โฆ make my mind up, Iโm gonna be all in, but I like to know that what Iโm gonna do is gonna work, and – and when I say, โknow itโs gonna work,โ โฆ I need to know that Iโm actually gonna do the work. So, I know โฆ in order for me to really be successful in running my own company, I needed to make sure that I was a hundred percent committing to making it work. And so, initially, my plan was just to keep working my day job until my actual company was as successful as the day job I had, but my day job was crazy in terms of my hours – I got work ten hours per day, โฆ.
Pleasance:
Yeah.
Amari:
Multiple days a week and have weekend events, and so, it was really impractical. And at first, I was โฆ, โOkay, well, maybe, I just wonโt be able to start my own company.โ โฆ that was the actual thought that I had, and I had to reconcile that with myself, and then, โOkay, hereโs an obstacle. Am I gonna give up now, or am I gonna exercise the muscle that it takes to get through this,โ because if Iโm running my own company, I know itโs gonna be โฆ even bigger decisions to make than this one, โฆ – no matter what, โฆ – every level in life, weโre gonna have drama to manage, โฆ, weโre gonna have obstacles to go through, but at each level, working our way through those obstacles makes us stronger and able to then handle things at the next level. So, itโs โฆ, when we were in kindergarten and we had โฆ challenges that were โฆ the biggest deal in the world for us at that level, but at high school, weโre โฆ โWhat? โฆ thatโs nothing now!โ And itโs the same thing in business, when youโre writing a book on relationships, โฆ at every level, you face challenges, and itโs not about whether or not the challenges exist, but whether or not youโre gonna commit and follow through and get through it anyway, because the point of breakdown is the same, exact point of break through. So, you just gotta keep leaning into it, keep working through it and stay focused and donโt let anything thatโs hurt you from the difference you wanna make.
Pleasance:
I love that so much, and I think of how – โฆ when you were chatting about โฆ fitness schools and going to the gym, itโs so funny, itโs โฆ the more that you – what Iโve noticed is that, the more that we align with โฆ our purpose and our mission and – I call it โฆ – I come from a wisdom tradition, so I use that language – but itโs the same – that – that โฆ zest and zeal for life. We become more focused in other areas that we may not have been so serious about.
Amari:
Absolutely.
Pleasance:
So – and it feels โฆ when you โฆ have all the time in the world to write the book and go to the gym and โฆ do all the things that is not really until you have that momentum, that energetic momentum of living your purpose and serving, that it really starts to fall into place, โฆ.
Amari:
Right. Yeah, and it was – it was so cool, โฆ before, I left my job versus after – so, Iโd try to make everything happen โฆ didnโt have time, but literally, that first month in business, and the first five months in business, โฆ I made more than in – the entire year working at my job. And I attribute that to my being all in.
Pleasance:
Yup. Yup.
Amari:
So cool.
Pleasance:
Okay. So, you decided to sign up and going through. Tell me a little about being โฆ part of a cohort, and what was some of the pros and cons of that for you?
Amari:
Oh, my gosh, โฆ it was probably one of the best things ever, because, when youโre working one-on-one with someone, and theyโre there to help you do your challenges, โฆ youโre – you only can ask questions based on the perspective you had at the time, and you donโt always know what you donโt know, so you donโt always know what questions to ask. And being in a cohort, going through this program with a group of people and being able to benefit from the questions they ask – in my opinion, that took me so much further, faster. And so, it was like โฆ one plus one equals two, it was more like one plus one equals a hundred and fifty, because of the – the amount of collective evolution and synergy that happened in the group. So, Iโve benefitted way more by doing this with a group of people who are also going through the process. โฆ going my favorite part. Cons? I think the only con is, at the beginning, you think, โThere are other people there, โฆ what if โฆ – what if my questions arenโt as -โ I dunno, โ- impactful,โ or something like that. โฆ thatโs the only thing I could think of. Some people just donโt like to do things in groups, but that goes back to showing up. If youโre gonna be the friend whoโs gonna help hundreds and thousands and millions of people, showing up in a group of like-minded people who are all going in the same direction, โฆ thatโs not a challenge. Thatโs a – a benefit, โฆ these are your allies in making a difference in the world, and โฆ what better space to make mistakes than in a safe space where everybodyโs learning together? And so, I got over that pretty quickly.
Pleasance:
Yeah.
Amari:
These are โฆ all my supporters. These arenโt people Iโm competing with or people who are โฆ grading my papers or something like that, โฆ these are people who are going through the process, and weโre able to support each other and hold each other accountable and โฆ celebrate each otherโs successes. To this day, โฆ I went through that program โฆ a year ago, and Iโm still really, really, really good friends with the majority of the people that I went through the group with. โฆ โcause itโs only a nine-week program, and a year later Iโm still great friends with many of them.
Pleasance:
Well – and I think itโs bec – the trust and the experience and the confidence of Angela and the program. Because of that container, you can have that trust, or that – for the group and for the setting, and itโs like when you – when she really holds us, all of us, to that same level, and you hear the way that she tirelessly โฆ would answer our questions and work for us and show up over and over, and not be judgemental about the normal fears that come along with it, right? โฆ I felt like she really acknowledged the emotions that I was experiencing, and then โฆ move me forward and out of them, that I think that someone โฆ whoโs done something for a long time – โฆ a number of times could โฆ get tired of hearing the same questions and be โฆ, โOkay, โฆ letโs have my assistant do this,โ or, โLet me automate that,โ โฆ step away from it?
Amari:
Yeah.
Pleasance:
So, itโs so fascinating, is โฆ her servantโs heart is still connected to us, and us getting the message out there. And she knows the best way to do that is through that connection, โฆ.
Amari:
Yes, itโs so cool, โฆ she is so masterful at holding space for your success, and it – I donโt think Iโve ever seen anyone be able to pave their own path in the way that she has, which allows everyone she helps to also pave their own path. โฆ itโs so fascinating, how good she is at not just supporting you in your journey, but guiding you to be your own guide, โฆ it – itโs just phenomenal.
Pleasance:
So, these are all the good and wonderful things, and thereโs not really any time but to go for it, but did you have any writerโs block, or – we talked a little about โฆ resistance along the way and trying to uplevel, but was there anything else that came up for you, when you were writing, or through the process that was really challenging for you?
Amari:
Yeah, there were two things for me. So, I didnโt have writerโs block. It was relatively easy for me, because I turned all of my lessons to questions. So, basically, in every chapter, I ask the questions that I knew the readers are gonna have, and then I just answered the questions.
Pleasance:
โฆ. I love that.
Amari:
So, that wasnโt a problem for me, but one thing that was an issue was writing forward. So, sitting at a laptop – so, writing a chapter and trying not to edit it โtil the entire manuscript was done. And the reason that was a challenge for me is because Iโve been a student my entire life. So, Iโve just started that – the program about six months after I finished my MBA. So, I was still a grad student, and Iโve been used to writing a paper the night before it was due, and it was all written and edited all at once, and I always got A and B papers. So, it was a total โฆ paradigm shift to write a paper – or to write a chapter or anything, and to submit it without it being fully edited. But I – I understood why I get to write the entire book before I edited anything, because you – you donโt know how it was gonna develop until itโs all done, so the way that I got around that is because typing on the keyboard is so hard โฆ, and the way I got around that was by dictating the chapters in bits. So, I โฆ the entire chapter, I literally spoke it on my iPhone, so it kept me from going back and doing the editing until it was all done. So, that was the first problem that I had. The second was in the editing phase, โฆ I didnโt realize, initially, that it was gonna take just as much time to edit as it did to write.
Pleasance:
Oh, yes.
Amari:
So, yeah. That was more of a surprise to me, โฆ a – what do you call it? A culture shock, I guess. But I got through it. It was – it was totally a lot of work, but my editor was so fantastic and supportive and โฆ we got through it. It was done on time, it was just a lot, so, yeah. Those are the two main things for me.
Pleasance:
Yup. That makes sense, and I think just framing where you were coming from, with the school and getting things done and fleshing it out in – in โฆ that framework and having to change some of that workflow, โฆ? Did you feel like you had time – when you signed up for the program – this is one of the things I hear all the time from people is, they donโt have time to program, theyโre nervous about time. Talk to me a little about your time – time mantras before and – sorry.
Amari:
So, we say we donโt have time for things, but we always have the time, the energy, the money, the space for what actually matters to us. And so, as an example of that, I was working full time, I still become – my work schedule was crazy. I used to work for the hospital system, and so, I was always working. I definitely had family, in a relationship. Writing the book, my family was going through stuff โฆ – it was just a whole, crazy situation. I was helping my mom build her business, and so many other things, โฆ I had – I was dancing. So, dancingโs one of my hobbies and I was doing a dance internship for a time, โฆ there were so many different things happening all at once, and – I was traveling for work, because I – we do โฆ a community event and education and such, so, on any given week, Iโm doing an event, or Iโm out of town dur – doing an event. And so, there was just so many different things happening, but I actually finished my manuscript three weeks ahead of schedule. Even with all that stuff happening, because this mattered to me, and I made the time.
Pleasance:
Yup. Right. โฆ.
Amari:
So, โฆ if you want it to happen, if you really wanna do it, the time, โฆ it will appear. Youโll find the time.
Pleasance:
Yup. Yeah! I totally agree, โฆ. Okay. So, letโs fast forward now. So, you found the time, you finished the book, and what happens? So, whatโs been happening since it came out in June?
Amari:
Oh, my gosh. So, June was the digital publishing date. My book just came out in print, and itโs in all major bookstores in February.
Pleasance:
Awesome.
Amari:
So, Iโve been on a book tour lately.
Pleasance:
Oh, my gosh.
Amari:
Iโve gone to two cities so far. So, started in D.C., went to Indianapolis, Iโll be in the Dominican Republic next week, speaking at the Global Love conference, โฆ itโs just – just crazy. Iโll be in Miami next month, so itโs just happening. In addition to the book stuff, โฆ Iโve been serving so many clients, taking clients on retreats and just really enjoying the process of helping gay men find love. โฆ itโs just so fun and so fulfilling, and โฆ itโs so interesting to think about how different my life is, today, than it was a year ago. โฆ itโs a totally different life.
Pleasance:
Yeah.
Amari:
It all happened โcause I decided to go all in on my dreams and bet all myself.
Pleasance:
Gosh. Thatโs amazing. Iโm a – I love your energy. Itโs so – itโs so contagious and so wonderful, and actually, I would say that, given that โฆ I – โฆ I do live in D.C., so the political climate and the way that a lot of people live their lives, โฆ to actually have a conversation with โฆ someone who loves what they do and is really successful and is really working for them and it gives them a lot of energy, is โฆ super refreshing. I think thatโs how life should always be, and Iโm not always surrounded by people who feel the same way, so Iโm so glad. And I have to ask you – so, the last time I saw you, you had a little … totally joyful, magical idea to hire a tour manager who was in your family – your gramma, right?
Amari:
Yup.
Pleasance:
Okay, so tell me. I need the follow-up of the story! How is it going, what happened with that she said โYesโ that day, but โฆ.
Amari:
Yes. She said yes, and my grandmother is officially my publicist, and sheโs been planning my entire book tour. She is the most amazing publicist ever. Oh, my gosh, โฆ thereโs nothing like having someone who already โฆ has the skills to do the job, but also believes in you โฆ a hundred percent. Itโs just – โฆ thereโs nothing like it, and Iโm so grateful to have my grandmother in my life, but also in my corner and helping me to really make this difference in the world. โฆ itโs just the coolest thing ever.
Pleasance:
Amazing. And is she so crazy proud of you, for all that youโve done?
Amari:
Oh, yeah. Yes. When I say sheโs always been one of my biggest fans, โฆ all my family has always been supportive. My mom is great, โฆ – as you can imagine, but โฆ my grandmother is – thatโs a cheerleader.
Pleasance:
I love that so much.
Amari:
So, yeah, itโs just – itโs amazing.
Pleasance:
Okay, so, last question. Someoneโs thinking about the program, someoneโs thinking about writing a book, whatโs your advice for them?
Amari:
Two words: all in. If you really wanna do this, you have to be all in. Itโs not gonna work unless you commit one hundred percent to it. Itโs like a relationship. Itโs not gonna work unless you commit a hundred percent to it. Any goal that you have, โฆ – there are three reasons why our goals donโt happen. Itโs because we donโt have the plan, we donโt have accountability to implementing it or we donโt have the mindset, and in this program you get all three. The plan is laid out, โฆ Angelaโs helped over five hundred authors publish a book and become bestsellers. She holds you accountable, โฆ nobody hasnโt finished that I know of. And then, all the upleveling that Iโve talked about? โฆ she is a master at helping you to get to the level you want to be. So, yeah. Just – thereโs no way you can fail, unless you donโt show up and be all in.
Pleasance:
Yup. I love it so much. And just wrote it on my notebook, in my big letters, โฆ my marker, โall in.โ Okay, so where can people find you and where can they find your work, and tell us a little bit about your social and your site.
Amari:
Sure. So, you can get a free copy of my book, Lasting Love that Lasts: A Gay Guide to Attracting the Relationship of Your Dreams, at lastingloveatlast.com, and you can also find me on social media, on Instagram at prinze amari. So, p-r-i-n-z-e, spelled the right way, and amari is a-m-a-r-i.
Pleasance:
Awesome. There will be links to everything on the show notes, and I just want to take a minute to close with this appreciating you and the work that youโre doing, and by being all in, the lives that youโre changing, taking care of yourself, emotionally, physically and financially, so that you can do this work and really serve others, is just a real, real gift. So, I really honor and appreciate you for being all in and doing the work that you do. So, thanks, Amari.
Amari:
Thank you so much, Pleasance.
Pleasance:
Yay! It was so nice to chat with you, have a great afternoon!
Amari:
You, too! Thanks.
Pleasance:
Thanks. Take care. โBye.
Amari:
All righty. Bye-bye.
Pleasance:
โBye.
Alvin has a deep passion for the publishing industry. He combines his extensive knowledge of the field with his talent for engaging storytelling to create insightful and informative content. Alvinโs writings often delve into the latest trends and challenges in publishing, providing valuable perspectives for both industry professionals and aspiring authors.