Book Journeys Author Interview – Oct. 20, 2016
Jenn McRobbie with Jackie Viramontez, author of I Can’t Believe I Dated Him: The Art of Knowing When to Break Up, When to Stay Single and When You’ve Met the One.
“Write your book, people!” ~Jackie Viramontez
Jenn:
Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to Book Journeys Radio. It’s October 20th, and as you know, if you’ve been a long-time listener, every week on Book Journeys Radio we speak to accomplished authors who have gone to having an idea for a book to a finished book, written to make a difference in the world. And we have a huge treat for you today, in the form of emotional freedom coach Jackie Viramontez. Jackie’s website alone makes me excited to talk to her, you can find her on the Web at www.upgradedwoman.com. Who wouldn’t want to be an upgraded woman? But Jackie is the author of I Can’t Believe I Dated Him: The Art of Knowing When to Break Up, When to Stay Single and When You’ve Met the One. Welcome, Jackie!
Jackie:
Thank you so much! I love that intro! ….
Jenn:
Well, I’m super excited to have you here. I – becoming an upgraded woman sounds like a wonderful thing for – for myself, as well as anybody who might be listening, so that’s good.
Jackie:
Mm-hm. Well, thank you.
Jenn:
Well, could you – no, you’re welcome. So, just to start, can you please tell everybody what I Can’t Believe I Dated Him is about, and who it’s for?
Jackie:
Of course. Well, I’m all about empowering women, which you might tell from the website, but i really wanted – I really wanted to write a book where I empower them with something that fills their power most often, which I think is relationships. It’s – I work with these independent, entrepreneurial people, and then … they find themselves in a relationship and they struggle with feelings they’re not used to, like insecurity and doubt, self-doubt. So, I wrote a book to … reclaim that power from emotions, because I think that’s the first thing to steal our intentions and to steal who we are and what we wanna do, so the book is – navigates some of those emotions that steal our power, so that we’re not … letting our emotions run the show and keep us in a co-dependent relationship or keep us missing out on a could be really healthy and whole relationship because of old emotions that we could get rid of if we just had some tools. So, that’s who it’s for and what it’s about.
Jenn:
I love that . How did you come about this topic?
Jackie:
Well, I – some people know who are listening, who’ve worked with Angela. I really was fascinated by emotions and how they … take the strongest woman and … turn – turn us all into a confused … little girl, in – in a sense, or –
Jenn:
Yes!
Jackie:
– or in a place, and I really wanted to write a book about emotions and navigating each, because I just found that certain personality types gravitated towards a certain reaction, whether it was … anger or jealousy or … bitterness, and I wanted to create a little guide for my clients on how to, given their personality, what they can tap in – some gifts they can tap into on their relationship, so – yeah, Angela really helped me take the “emotional” idea and my interest in that and focus it on relationships, specifically.
Jenn:
Aw, that sounds amazing. But because you have … all of these … big ideas, was it hard to focus, once you had this topic, or did it come easily?
Jackie:
Definitely not easy for me to focus. I’m definitely a thinker, so … when you’re a coach, you work with a lot of different topics, and emotions can clearly apply to all of them, so throughout that writing or planning process, my little monkey mind kept thinking, “Oh, what about that?” or “What about this?” or “I’m also interested in that,” and I’ve really – it was really powerful to just choose relationships, Angela really worked with me on that. And I just have to stay focused on that, because it is where I’m most passionate. Certainly, my most passionate clients … in relationships.
Jenn:
Oh, I can imagine, … – passion is – is a word that is often used in both a – a positive and a negative for relationships, right?
Jackie:
Mm-hm. Yup.
Jenn:
So, what do you wish you knew – now that you’ve written a book, and you have a book out there. What do you wish you knew before you started?
Jackie:
That is a good question. … A part of me – it was a big process in letting go of perfection, and I just wish someone had told me, … when you write a book, it doesn’t have to be The Book. It doesn’t have to be the synthesis of all your insights and everything you’ve learned and everything you know how to help someone with. I – I wish someone had just said, “Okay, pick one tool you use with someone, and that can be the first book,” … pick the one you have the most fun teaching or sharing, and just pick that one, because I think, in my initial planning I tried to shove everything in there.
Jenn:
Yes.
Jackie:
And it’s … the best books are just one idea, and someone comes away really owning that tool, so I really wish I knew that.
Jenn:
Yeah. I think that’s – I think that’s good advice. For – for any of you that are out there, that are – that are sitting and waiting, … wondering if you should write a book, pick one little thing, because I – I know, at least – … this is me, and – Jackie, even tell us – this is true for you, I have several unwritten books in my computer, sort of hidden away, in the files. And I think, just like you, many of them have remained there because it’s … like the kitchen sink, it’s the brain dump, so I can’t really focus on it, because it’s too many topics. So, have you tried to write a book in the past and failed?
Jackie:
Yes, exclamation mark. I – I always have loved writing, so I could count all the ones I’ve probably started when I was little, but I feel … every year, I’m thinking about three different book topics, from the time I was a little child.
Jenn:
Wow. Wow!
Jackie:
So, … none of them are finished clearly, which is … – I ended up doing this, but yes, never did it, I – and I think it was the little distraction that I mentioned before, which is that – just being interested in too many things, … –
Jenn:
Yeah.
Jackie:
– one thing, I could have finished a book, but there was just way too many categories, way too many topics swimming in my mind, so definitely, being able to pick one helped me find my finish. And, yeah, I would do the program over again just to get a – get one – one done.
Jenn:
So, that’s – that’s fantastic, but … we talk about all these different ideas that – that you have, and we all have, and – do you think that you have other books in you?
Jackie:
Oh, definitely. Yeah, and I think – everyone I went through the program with, we all, through the writing process, knew what we wanted our next book to be about.
Jenn:
Oh, wow!
Jackie:
Because – yeah, I just think that, in writing it, you then see the next layer, and you also – you know that – … we would joke that this’ll be the – the worst book I had ever wrote, … accomplished, anyway, where we learned so much through it, … anything. … you want – you’re excited to write another one, but definitely, I’m trying to – try this one home and really own it and … – I have other books I want to write.
Jenn:
Oh, that’s just news. I’m always happy to hear that – that people weren’t one and done, and – not that that’s a bad thing, because I think sometimes you can … put your idea out there, and then be done with the process, but it sounds to me, and as my next question, did you enjoy the process of writing, then?
Jackie:
I – I really enjoyed the process. I really enjoyed the process of writing . The deadlines were very difficult, but they also were my saving grace, because that was what I needed to actually finish writing, … but I – I think something I took away from it w – and that which made me choose … the Author Incubator over some other program that might be similar is, there are that sense of really honoring and nurturing that “inner author,” as we’ve learned to call it, and – and really getting into that place of where you are – that passion place, where you really try to share and help and talk to your ideal reader and start writing from that place, so I did really enjoy – … I had a routine of waking up early in the morning and making tea and finding my little meditation corner and then writing, and – and that was really grounding for me, to the – I think that … – so often, I … – I work for myself – there’s – there’s no routine unless you really force yourself into one, and it really created this structure that I … maintained since ending the book.
Jenn:
Oh, really? Great!
Jackie:
So, I – I really … that far – yeah, I – yeah, the routine that came out of it was really beautiful.
Jenn:
I love that one of the things that’s come out of your book is a – a more – calmer morning for you.
Jackie:
Oh, totally, where I do get to – yeah, it’s amazing.
Jenn:
That’s amazing! What was different, about writing or publishing a book, than you expected?
Jackie:
Well, the writing part, for me, was – oh, different because you have an idea of what writing a book’s like, and the – definitely the speed that we had to write the book was different than expected. Oh, it was so fast –
Jenn:
How quickly did you write your book?
Jackie:
Oh, my gosh! It – I guess the actual writing process, I think, in itself, was five weeks or four and a half weeks or something like that?
Jenn:
Wow!
Jackie:
I know it was three months. I did the three – I did the three months program, not the three day, but –
Jenn:
Gotcha.
Jackie:
– yeah, the writing itself – and everyone who asked … “How long did you – how long did it take,” was … blown away. And I kept saying …, “You can do it, too!” So, that was surprising, and then the publishing was interesting, ‘cause I’m from a journalism background, and I – just going through school, you just learn how competitive and … cut throat the publishing world is, and I just was blown away by how supportive it was, and how supportive some of the partners that we worked with were, and even people, … friends and family coming out of the woodwork to support and spread the word, … people from high school that I hadn’t talked to in years were buying it and – or writing a review, and that was … really beautiful for me, and I – I was surprised and it was really affirming in the publishing of my book.
Jenn:
…. It’s really nice when … something means so much to you. … when you write a book, it means a lot to you, and it’s so nice, when you see other people reflecting that back on you, isn’t it?
Jackie:
Yes. And people you don’t expect, I think, … I was shocked by how many men responded –
Jenn:
Oh!
Jackie:
– really well, even though it’s clearly catered towards a woman. So, that was interesting, that – that part was very cool, to get how people reacted.
Jenn:
Yes. Yeah … that brings a slightly different topic, … that your book is aimed at women, but can it serve men, or other people, … people that have – have same sex relationships or … relationships or whatever, can your book serve those people as well?
Jackie:
Oh, yeah. Anyone with feelings, it will help, and … –
Jenn:
I think that means the human race, but I could be wrong!
Jackie:
Exactly. Yes, so … I just tend to attract … heterosexual women who are … 20 – 30’s but – but I just wrote it to them, so I got … really focused with my language, but also worked with … and I – I worked with people who … – homesexual, bisexual, and it’s… we all have this human struggle of letting fear drive our behavior when … our heart is leading us toward something else, so –
Jenn:
Yes.
Jackie:
Anyone who wants to … live more out of their heart is – is who the book is for.
Jenn:
Ah. … I think that’s so valuable, because I find, at least just personally, … comment on this, when I’m operating from a place of … happy emotions, where I’m feeling good, that not only does that impact the thing that I care about, but impact the rest of my life, too.
Jackie;
Oh, yeah.
Jenn:
So, if I’m happy at work, for example, I’m happy with my relationship, … or vice versa. So, it bleeds over, right?
Jackie:
Yes. Yeah, it made it so … keep staying focused, yeah.
Jenn:
Oh, my goodness!
Jackie:
But I really wanna show that example about just how fishy – when I really show this example about grief and trauma and – I think, “Another book, Jackie, another book. Let it go.”
Jenn:
So … that leads us to this question. Did you just let it go, or di – when these other ideas came up, how did you handle them and cope with them?
Jackie:
Well, some things, I couldn’t let it go, and an editor would say, “Mmm, nope, off topic, this is not …”
Jenn:
Aaah!
Jackie:
Which was great, working with the editor. There’s … three editors helping out. And then, … process, that was something that surprised me, too, of, “Oh, my gosh, the longest period in this whole journey is the planning process and outlining it,” and we – we did that outline that really helped with how my brain works, so it’s … putting all the ideas on notecards, and that worked, and then organizing them.
Jenn:
Oh.
Jackie:
So, … that notecard, if it’s not on the plan, … it’s not making it in the book. … I spent four – four weeks, or about six weeks or something just planning this, … whatever this distracted – distraction is, it’s not making it in, ‘cause I put some – too much effort into lining this all up. So, I – and I think I never did that, I never outlined when I was trying to write books before, so –
Jenn:
Yeah.
Jackie:
– with – with what made me distracted and not finish in the past, that was already, when I started writing, not really an issue because I was so committed to this plan that had also been edited. ….
Jenn:
Oh, I love that. Oh, that’s fantastic!
Jackie:
Yeah.
Jenn:
Yeah, so – so, having a – a – a plan and … the accountability of having it written down and having spent so much time on it made you want to … that.
Jackie:
Oh, yeah.
Jenn:
Oh, that’s – that’s fantastic. ….
Jackie:
And I think … there’d be notecards – oh, yeah. … if you’ll have notecards that are off topic and you just take your notecards and you let it go into another book idea, … put that in a drawer and say, “Okay, that’s the next book, not this book,” and that was – that helped to let it go of – I’m not saying it – “Never,” I’m just saying, “Not now.”
Jenn:
Right. Yes. Of course, of course. But now, you have a drawer full of book ideas, so that, when Jackie is ready to … focus on that again, look at you, you can just pull out a notecard and get writing.
Jackie:
Exactly.
Jenn:
Did you experience – so, we talked about all these different ideas and … the “shiny object syndrome,” but did you experience any writer’s block once you got focused?
Jackie:
Definitely, I think – yeah…. I think it was pretty normal. I definitely have writer’s block where – … I love writing when it’s flown out of me and it’s like poetry, you know?
Jenn:
Yes. …, yes.
Jackie:
But that wasn’t the case, … I was – it was … hectic time, I – I did two different flights over the close of those four weeks, and I – I just couldn’t have a normal, oh, … wake up with my – my own house, so I think that … was scattered and I – you have to finish it.
Jenn:
Right.
Jackie:
… if you don’t have it done, it’s not done, and – and I think, at one point, I even was … e-mail, the frantic e-mail, … “Can I have an extension?” And it’s … “Sure, but it’s gonna have this fee,” and I’m … “Okay, thank you.” I also … – thank you for the fee, ‘cause I – my heart doesn’t want to keep it spending this on myself, so that’s not writer’s block, but something that we were taught which – is – the listeners who have read the book is connecting to that ideal readers, so really remembering that -okay, I might not be – I might be lost for words as I’m writing, but I’m – I’m a talker, obviously, and I – I’m not at a loss for words when a client’s sitting in front of me, so why am I at a loss for words when writing. So, just really pretending … “Okay, they – pretend that this client just came in, that this is the topic they just brought to the table, and you’re now responding, you’re – you’re now going to use the tool, … how would you explain it to them,” and I would honestly –
Jenn:
I love that.
Jackie:
It sounds strange, but I would honestly start making things out loud, … – okay, let me just explain to my viewer, I talk to my husband, I talk to my sister who I was traveling with at the time, … “Okay, let me just talk this out,” and then I’d be able to write it. A – and it really changed … – now, I don’t even really believe in … writer’s block, it’s just … “Oh, we’re disconnected.”
Jenn:
Yup.
Jackie:
You’re disconnected from who you’re talking to, is how I think of writer’s block now, which doesn’t give me that scary, “Oh, my gosh, what if I have writer’s block?” … just, “Oh, talk to a real human being, and you’ll be done.”
Jenn:
That’s such a great way to turn writer’s block on it’s head, I never heard anyone refer to it that way, and that – … that’s fantastic, because you’re right, writer’s block really just means that you’re – … it is a signal that you’re veering off course.
Jackie:
Yes. Exactly.
Jenn:
It doesn’t mean that you have nothing to say, because, clearly, most of us have a lot to say. That’s why we’re here, talking on the radio about your book, right? But no, I love that idea, that writer’s block is really just that disconnection from … your ideal reader, that is such a good and powerful tool to … refocusing yourself on your project. When you were writing your book, did you imagine it completed before you started, or were you just … head down and working until you got to the end?
Jackie:
Well, another way for me, when I did hit … a disconnection, I would call it, was really picturing, “Okay, what do I really want this to be?” And I think a lot of people in the healing world, … we think about what’s our intention, so that was a big thing for me, of – every time, before I started writing, was reconnecting to my initial intention, was, “Okay, … I don’t want … some couchy book,” I really just – I really wanna empower these women, I really want them to close the book and – and feel that … there’s nothing they need to fix about how they feel, or fix about their pattern, … I really just want them to know that these things they’re dealing with are signals of strength that they have. And I really want to empower, so I always definitely did that before I started writing each time or just connecting with my intention of what the reader would feel like when they’re holding it or when they were flipping to a chapter. And that was really grounding for me, and I think really important for anyone who’s thinking of writing.
Jenn:
I think you’re right, and – and what I really like about that, Jackie, is that it’s – it doesn’t take long for you to – to ground yourself and connect with that reader or that moment, that feeling. You can do that in … minutes!
Jackie:
Yes. ….
Jenn:
It’s not something you have to take – … you don’t have to do an hour-long meditation in order to … connect with your reader, ….
Jackie:
No. Totally not.
Jenn:
Yeah. Hopefully, if you do, maybe – at least, this what happened to me, sometimes, when I was writing. I would sit down and I would think I was connected to my reader, and then I would – my brain would flit around, like a … little bird. And Angela gave me the permission to follow some of those – … – this is so weird, I always wanted to clean my basement, when I was supposed to be sitting down to write, and I think it was because that’s … the one thing that I always put off until last, right? … who cleans their basement, that’s weird. And Angela – when I told her about this, she said to me, “Well, why don’t you just clean your basement?” and I’m … “I’m supposed to be writing!” And she’s … “Just – just go do it!” And lo and behold, every time I’d go down into my basement, and I’d start to clean, and then my brain would always come back to the book. And then, I’d run upstairs to my computer to just start pounding out my … words –
Jackie:
Yes! Totally.
Jenn:
– and I think – a – and I think, sometimes, you just have to … spend those few moments connecting … – it’s like you said, that few mome – those few moments connecting and – and … getting back to why … you’re writing this book in the first place. And – and I think … –
Jackie:
Yeah, … your brain –
Jenn:
Exactly! The – fiction, nonfiction, I don’t think it really matters. I think we all – if you are an author or a writer, you have a “why,” right? A “why” you’re writing your book? … and I think connecting with that is so important. So, if someone is out there listening and is literally tearing their hair out right now from – from frustration, because they can’t get their book finished, what advice would you give to that person?
Jackie:
Yeah, I love that question. I just – I honestly believe … if you’re already in a profession, you’re already helping people, you already have a heart to serve, … think about your book, … that it’s not about you, it’s not about you writing a book, it’s about … all those people maybe you can’t reach through your service, they live somewhere where they can’t afford a – … a whole – the whole package, … – think about them, and – and that you can put a book in their hands … in … three months, that could really help them, and …just really say in – in … the most loving way, … it’s not about you, it’s about all of these people who could potentially read it, and then it becomes not just ego driven thing of “I – I’m not – oh, I’m not ready to write a book,” or – … all those voices that might be in your head that are telling you you’re not ready, or – or … you don’t have the credentials or the little lighters at the end of your name to write it?
Jenn:
Right.
Jackie:
It’s not about you anymore, …. ‘Cause I had all those same voices in my head, and I – I just wish it was … “It’s not about you, think about the people that will pick it up and it will be exactly what they need at that time when they read it,” and – and think about that person, … – and I think it helps to wipe out all those fear voices that come up.
Jenn:
Aw, that’s – that’s – so – that’s such good advice, because it really is a fearful process, isn’t it, writing a book?
Jackie:
Oh, yes! Oh, yes.
Jenn:
What was scarier, writing your book or releasing it to the world?
Jackie:
Releasing it into the world, as – as the day approached. Releasing it to the world. ‘Cause you’re … out there, … –
Jenn:
….
Jackie:
– your personal stories, your e-boyfr – for me, it was … – I have – I dated people and – and I was terrified that they’d think the book was about them, and some of them did, and they – it’s … I’m not writing it for them, or t – or to … protect me standing awkward, I’m writing for this other group of people. ….
Jenn:
Wow, that’s a really good point. Did you – did you want to sing to all of them, “You probably think this book is about you, don’t you, don’t you?”
Jackie:
….
Jenn:
Did anyone come out after you wrote the book to complain about any stories you had in there?
Jackie:
Oh, well, the thing is, I didn’t really have any stories, except in the intro, there’s – … it’s almost like an intro … “This is the topic we’re going to be discussing.”
Jenn:
Right.
Jackie:
But no one would know, really, who they were talking about.
Jenn:
Oh, good.
Jackie:
So, I did have people think it was about them, and they did think I wrote a memoir, and I … that thing up, but – they thought it was a memoir, and I … “Read the subtitle,” or just, “Open, you’ll see, it’s not about -” yes. ….
Jenn:
Right. … don’t be afraid, really, read my book. It’s not … why you’re a bad person, it’s really something different. Oh, that’s fantastic. Well, Jackie, our time is drawing to a close, so I will just ask one last, short question, and that is, what’s the best thing to come out of having your own book?
Jackie:
Definitely, I’d say – well, one, all the emotional growth you go through while writing it, and two, the trust that you build with potential clients and readers. I just feel a sense, when people call now, that there’s this immediate trust because they already know what I’m about and they know that I’ve written that and they know that I care enough to write it, and I think the third thing is that it definitely – it filters people out that you wouldn’t –
Jenn:
Oh!
Jackie:
– it wouldn’t be ideal for you work together anyway, … they say that I … take a more direct approach to dealing with things and somebody doesn’t resonate with that or they want someone who has a different attitude, they can – … they would find that, so it’s good for them, it’s good for me, definitely like a filter and a trust builder.
Jenn:
Oh, that’s so great, so if … listening to Jackie has made you want to call her, you can contact her through her website, www.theupgradedwoman.com, and she’s also on Facebook at The Upgraded Woman and her Twitter handle is jpviramontez. Jackie, thank you so much for joining me today, I love talking to you about your book.
Jackie:
Yeah, thank you so much, Janet, it’s wonderful. And write your book, people!
Jenn:
Yeah. Yeah, that’s right! Get out there and write your book! So, we’re – … I’m getting ready to turn on the closer music, you don’t need to listen to it! Go out, write your book, join us next week on the next Book Journeys Radio.