Daddy issues

January 9, 2014

“I put that guy in business!”

My dad used to say this all the time when I was growing up and I thought he sounded like such an arrogant asshole. I mean who says that??

But as my own business has grown and become more successful I’ve found myself saying stuff like that.

I see someone who I helped getting successful and I think wtf? Why isn’t this person kissing my ass? They couldn’t have done it without me!

And then I think – OMG I am my father’s daughter.

Hello shame.

But I get it now. Being an entrepreneur is awesome and also too scary and lonely some days. I find myself working so hard and not always getting the results I set out to achieve. And I get frustrated when I see things I helped put into motion working out for someone else and not for me. Or at least that’s what my petty little thoughts tell me.

The fear and loneliness and sheer volume of work can be overwhelming. Time and time again I’ve found myself desperate for a business partner. But every time someone gets close, I freak. I see myself getting all controlly (Just like my dad.) And I hear myself saying to friends:

“No one cares about my business as much as I do.”

Or

“If I want it done right, I have to do it myself.”

Dad. And Dad again.

So this year, I’m making a change. I’m owning my lonely. I’m embracing my fear. And I’m admitting that while I am absolutely not a perfectionist, I am a control freak and I’m choosing to cling so tightly to how I think things have to be done, that I push people away instead of letting them in. I’m using fear to create loneliness. It’s like a little factory.

The only way I can think of to shut down the Fear Factory is to actively embrace a muscle I haven’t flexed very much: TRUST.

For all the amazing things my dad did as an entrepreneur (he is in the Hot Rod Hall of Fame after all), I don’t think he ever let himself really trust anyone with his business. Or with his heart.

My dad gave me the greatest gift a parent could ever give a child. He lived his passion for cars every day. I genuinely thought everyone made their living by finding their passion and turning it into a business. So becoming an entrepreneur was an easy choice for me.

I’ve always loved books – so starting a publishing company was a no-brainer. Growing the business has been harder, for lots of reasons – but my inexperience at trusting the people I work with is one of the biggies. And hey, how we do anything is how we do everything, right?

I get it. There is really no difference between trusting someone with your brand, or your friendship, or your love.

So that’s why my word for 2014 is TRUST.

Are you doing the word of the year thing? If so, what’s your word?

 

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